November 30, 2024
Walking with Imperfection
The Torah contains excerpts and stories that help us live better lives. These stories are about relationships, and the more we spend time with anyone, the more we learn about who they are; it is the same with the Creator. Abraham Avinu had a close relationship with the Almighty who spoke with Him, and he listened. He was not being high and mighty; it was a very down-to-earth experience. The people were simple, and the Creator spoke to them in a language they could understand. Toward the end of the portion, we learn that Abraham sent his trusted servant to go and bring back a wife for Isaac but that she should not be from the Canaanites. Why? What happens when a Jewish man marries a Gentile woman? And they remain in a gentile environment, The children lose their identity. Rivkah needed to come out of her old environment to take on the ideology of Abraham that he taught Isaac. That was why Abraham was told to leave his father’s house and go to where the Almighty could form a nation, and through whom all the nations of the earth would be blessed. Our past tends to hold us in boxes that are hard to escape. We often need to leave the comfort of our homes to grow up.
In contrast, Isaac was told to remain in his land and to wait. This parashah will introduce the next in Issac’s line – our father, Jacob; we will also hear about Esau. People ask me, “What is a Jew or an Israelite”. Many are proud to say, “It’s in the bloodline” but that’s when I remind them about Abraham. He had many children but only one was chosen to continue his lineage. They quickly respond, “Jewishness comes from the mother because Sarah was his wife.” Yes, Leah and Rachel were also from the same line but what about Bilhah and Zilpah?
The story unfolds with Isaac and Rebecca having twin sons – Esau the first-born and Jacob born minutes later, holding onto the heel of Esau. Twins, same father, same mother; Jacob holds the lineage of Israel and Esau does not. He is considered a Gentile. It is important to see what the Scriptures teach; not what we have heard from others. I have always told you that I am more inclined to look at the calling rather than the bloodline. God calls those who would be part of his people as we will see later in Exodus. The only two men who would enter the Promised Land were Joshua from the tribe of Efraim and Caleb who was not an Israelite; he was a Kenezzite, a foreigner yet chosen to be a prince of the tribe of Judah.
This week we read the genealogy of Esau. According to our sages, Esau is a gentile. This depicts that the Creator chooses his people and rather than looking at the pedigree, He sees the heart. It is also important to remember that the stories in the Torah are not chronological. It begins with the descendants of Isaac, but in Gen. 26, we read a story similar to Abraham and Sarah’s experience. Isaac and Rebekah also travel to Gerar due to a famine where he repeats his father’s error when he told Abimelech that Rivkah was his sister. This story appears to come after the birth of the twins described in chapter 25, but it happened before. If she already had the twins with them, Abimelech would have known immediately that she was their mother. Also, Abimelech saw them playing inappropriately for a brother and sister. This time the Creator tells Isaac not to leave the land to go to Egypt but to remain where they are. The people of Gerar were in a covenant with Abraham which they had to keep. The promise of the Creator to Abraham would now transfer to Isaac and through him, all the people in the world would be blessed.
Let’s return to the situation between Rivkah and Isaac. Did they have a good relationship? Did she trust him? It seems not since we know that she deceived him. We read that Rebekah loved Jacob and Isaac loved Esau, the perfect formula for a dysfunctional family and the setup for sibling rivalry and division within the family. Modern psychology tells us that usually, the firstborn belongs to the father, the second to the mother, the third to the father, and the fourth to the mother. It seems to happen naturally, but the parents must be careful not to show preference.
Wasn’t Isaac a man of God, a patriarch? Hadn’t he followed the leadership and teachings of his father? Didn’t he go through the test of akedah where he almost had to give up his life sacrificially? Didn’t he have enough common sense to know who would be the best person to continue his lineage? Our problem is that we often over-spiritualize the Scriptures and lose the criteria to judge just how human we are.
We see that Rivkah went to ask the Creator why she was having such a difficult pregnancy. The Creator told her that she had two nations in her womb and that one would serve the other. The Hebrew is not clear who would serve who. Let’s surmise that the oldest would serve the youngest but when we keep reading, we soon see that it is just the opposite. But why didn’t Rebekah ever share this prophecy with Isaac? It seems that Isaac didn’t know, since he would have been more careful about how he treated his sons. He wanted to bless Esau because he preferred him.
When Isaac and Rivkah were in Gerar, the Creator prospered him. Isaac is described as a mama’s boy, under Rebekah’s shadow. He was a peacemaker. He saw how the men of Gerar abused his people at the wells so when the time came for him to choose the son who would best lead them, wouldn’t it have been natural for him to choose Esau the hunter, the warrior and a strong leader rather than Jacob who kept the flock and remained close to his mother? Logically this makes sense. I would have done the same thing. Isaac and Rebekah were very human. Does this show us that their faith was greater than anyone else? I think not. This is the problem when we exalt people beyond their human nature.
Life is tough and we must experience many difficult circumstances to strengthen us. If everything is easy where we are handed everything on a silver platter, we lose the desire to grow and develop. Most who inherit their father’s wealth end up destroying the empire passed down to them because they had no hand in making it. Isaac thought the best person to lead the future nation of Israel had to be a strong person, a warrior. He forgot that it is not by might but by the Spirit of God that life’s battles are won.
Rebekah did not grow up with the knowledge of Abraham’s one God, rather she grew up in Laban’s family where she learned to be as “tricky” as he was. She did what came naturally to her. That’s why Abraham told his servant not to allow Isaac to marry a Canaanite. He knew they were worse than the Arameans among whom she lived. Rivkah would now learn from Isaac, but she couldn’t unlearn the nature of her family. Later we see that Laban would deceive Jacob as Jacob had deceived his father. The Torah teaches us “midat keneged midat” – measure for measure.
Let’s tie these threads together. There are no perfect parents, no perfect father or mother. They are people who try to do their best with the tools they have. They don’t mean to harm us rather they want to help us but sometimes they make mistakes. After Rebekah told her son Jacob not to worry, that he wouldn’t be punished for deceiving his father because the (curse) responsibility would rest on her shoulders. After this the Torah no longer mentions her, not even when she died. When Jacob returned to the land, Isaac was still alive, but we read nothing about Rebekah. The Torah mentions the death of Deborah, Rivkah’s maid but not her; so, we surmise that she suffered the consequences of her actions. We need to be so careful about what comes out of our mouths as well as what we do.
Another thing to think about…if it had indeed been Esau who Isaac had blessed, would that have changed the Creator’s plan? We give little credit to the Almighty. He gave us Bechirah Chofshit, Free Will to make our own choices and He, as a loving father, will always take care of His children. When He sees us failing, He warns us, instructing and correcting us wherever necessary. Yes, He picks us up when we fall but we will still experience the consequences of our behavior.
We may love spiritual hocus pocus but let’s not lose sight of the basic principles of relationship that the Scriptures teach us. From these stories, we can learn from their mistakes, one of which is for husbands and wives – when you keep secrets from each other, sooner or later you will suffer the consequences. It may be difficult to disclose everything, but it is important to develop a relationship where you don’t need to be afraid of each other. That is not a relationship.
Wives, you have a lot of areas in which you can be very creative but be very careful not to manipulate your husbands because you will suffer the consequences. Husbands, if you chose your wife because you saw something special in her, it is better to trust her and be wise enough to listen to her advice. But remember, if you accept her advice, you are ultimately responsible for the results of the decisions you both make. The husband carries the major responsibility so if you are so blind and never listen to your wives, you destroy both yourself and your home.
We can learn several lessons from the mistakes of Isaac and Rivkah. If Isaac had blessed Esau, would it have changed the outcome? Isn’t that in God’s hands? If one spouse is afraid of the other or doesn’t trust the other, this is not a healthy relationship. We can also understand that Isaac was not crazy when he chose Esau; he saw how the Philistines kept stopping up the wells and believed the best way for the new nation to succeed was by having a physically strong leader. At that time physical strength was more important than spiritual strength.
Today, we have become more sophisticated but when you are given advice, listen before you reject it and then you can decide the best course of action. I have spoken about two kinds of people – teachable and unteachable. Which are you? Not long ago I was speaking with a person who said, “This is the way I am; I’ll change over my dead body”. “I will never surrender” is a dangerous attitude leading to self-destruction. A teachable person acknowledges that sometimes they commit mistakes. Think about it this way: if someone has taken the time to advise you, perhaps you should listen. Instead of blaming others, look within. Most of us justify our actions by reflex, preparing our defense. That’s when we attack the messenger instead of examining the message. That’s what so many religious people, who think that they are always right, do and everyone else is wrong. They don’t evaluate that what they are teaching may not be right, but they insist on remaining in the box of tradition, dogma or “holy doctrine”. Give me a break. We need to be open-hearted. Isaac and Rebekah teach us that big mistakes can be made even by those with the best intentions, but in the end, it is the Creator who always corrects things. We need to be open to the fact that we have failed. I am so glad that no human being is perfect. Anyone who says that we can be perfect is lying to you. All we can do is our best.
Shabbat Shalom
Ranebi