How long until we face our fears?

The book of Job says: “For what I feared has overtaken me, and what I dreaded has come upon me. I had no repose, no quiet, no rest; and trouble came.” (Job 3:25-26). In El Salvador, we say: “Too much analysis generates paralysis.” Over-analysis usually stems from an unresolved emotional burden blocking and preventing us from making good decisions and then taking action. Excessive analysis can lead us to doubt, feel insecure, have too many options, investigate too much, sense an overload of emotions and generate stress. Overthinking a problem generates adrenaline and toxins. Sometimes the problem is excessive perfectionism that does not allow us to proceed because we want something to be too “good” but it’s not functional.

While I was reading this portion, I wondered if Yaakov was a young lad of 20 when he left home. Sometimes the timeline of Yaakov´s life escapes us when we‘re reading the Torah. Referencing certain scholars, sages and rabbis, we might conclude that Yaakov was only 15 when he purchased the birthright from his twin Esau. The Torah recalls the event of these two “children”, but our sages tell us they were 63 years old by then. They say that Esav was 40 when he decided to marry Ada and Ahalivama, two Canaanite women. They say he married his cousin Basmat, daughter of Ishmael 23 years later hoping to gain favor with his father when he realized that his parents couldn’t stand his first two wives. They continue with, at 63 years of age, Esau was summoned by his father to receive “the blessing”. His mother Rivka was eavesdropping and advised her favorite son to “usurp the blessing” from Esau. Yaakov didn’t make his own decisions, but rather it suggests that at 63, he was still a child living behind his mother’s skirts. Yaakov was still unmarried, living with his parents, no son and “living in tents” (a shepherd). According to some scholars, he spent all day studying the Torah; the fact is that the Torah does not say that, like when the Tanach quotes David: “Your Torah is by day and my meditation by night.” That is, it implies that Yaakov was “a mama’s boy”; he didn’t know what it meant to earn a living; he had no purpose and was comfortable with the single life.

As a result of his deception, Yaakov wrongfully obtained the blessing. He didn’t know how to wait for God’s blessing, like Abraham who decided to give Sarah a son through Hagar instead of awaiting God’s promise that he would have a son through Sarah. Yaakov’s impulsiveness to seek the promises of God based upon his strength and in his time would lay the foundation for his future. Fourteen years later, Rebekah heard Esav threaten to kill his younger brother, which is when they decided that Yaakov should flee to his mother’s house in Paddan Aram; so, at 77 years of age, Yaakov left his father’s house for an unknown destination.

What if Yaakov didn’t have the birthright? Wouldn’t he have the material and spiritual blessings of his father? Did he arrive in Paddan Aram with nothing? According to the midrashim, Eliphaz, son of Esav, tried to kill him, and instead of doing so, he left him alive, taking away his wealth. Regardless of how it happened, the Torah records that Yaakov arrived with just his staff in hand and without a penny to his name (32:11).

Let’s imagine a man, accustomed to the good life and to having servants, arriving at an unknown place, with customs foreign to him, and who must now earn his living by hard work. There is an old film called “The Last Emperor”, which describes the life of the Emperor of China (Puyi) when the monarchy of the Forbidden City fell to a communist regime. He ended up as a gardener in the botanical park. Here is a great lesson in humility, “today we are up, tomorrow we can be down.” How many of us have lived through similar situations? That is why it is important to cultivate good and healthy relationships; we never know what the future holds for us.

Yaakov, at 77 would have to work hard over the next 20 years. How many people at 77 years of age want to begin working? Our sages calculate that he was 84 when he fell in love and got married. He was deceived again when his wife was exchanged for another. Within 13 years he had fathered 11 boys and one girl. Now at this age, he had to deal with 4 wives, 11 children, livestock, clients, employees, etc. It was twenty years of hardship, with little spiritual growth. However, note that the blessing was Yaakov; the blessing was not external, it was inherent to the person.

At 97 years old, yes 97, Yaakov decided to return home. He had finally reached maturity but now faced with another turning point in his life, he realized that for his future to be assured, he had to grow up. This pushed him into a state of limbo; he knew that if he stayed in Haran, his children would have no future and could potentially become like Esav or Ishmael. He knew that his children had to continue the promise given to his grandfather Abraham and his father. But this change implied pain, opening a wound from the past. It is not true that “time heals all wounds”; time only makes an open wound rot and become infected, even to the point of gangrene. The way to heal wounds is by suturing, cleaning and healing them with medication.

This is exactly what happened: Yaakov realized that he needed to resolve his “dark past” so the next generation could prosper. It is then that he heard the voice of the Eternal telling him to return home, but his return would not be easy. Can you imagine the mindset of a person who for 97 years had not faced his problems, not dealt with his past mistakes? How could he face them and not lose his sanity? This trauma, so to speak, had been ignored. Until now Yaakov had fled. He fled from his brother, he fled from his land, he fled from his father-in-law…. it was time to say, “No more running away”!

Many of us tend to flee and evade the issues.  Sooner or later, we will have to face the situation we are fleeing from. How many people turn off their cell phones to avoid answering their creditors or quit their jobs because they can’t stand the pressure? How many stop answering their ex-partner who wants to solve their children’s problems? How many stop visiting relatives with whom they had arguments? Instead of solving the problems, we prefer to be like the ostrich, who hides and pretends nothing is happening. We all have to face our past one day.

To make matters worse, God sent His messengers to announce to Yaakov that his brother was coming to meet him. When faced with a difficult situation, we might cry, “Eternal, why don’t You send me something easier to deal with?”  The medicine will not necessarily be the easiest. God sometimes sends us the biggest fish so we can learn how to fish. Our portion begins with Yaakov sending angels (messengers) before him. I want to highlight the medicine applied to Yaakov so it can help us resolve our past.

First, we don’t always necessarily have to face the person or situation head-on. Does that mean that we are not dealing with it?  Here’s an example. We have a car accident; do we have to go to court ourselves or are we being responsible by delegating someone to deal with it in court for us, be it the insurance company or a legal representative? This is different than running away and evading our responsibility. Or let’s say I fought with my brother or sister, why can’t I use an intermediary like a mother, cousin, or uncle? This strategy is one of “softening the heart.” It is announcing that we want to reconcile and let go of the past.

Second, it is not enough to send someone, we must be specific in what we are looking for, what we wish to convey and what we hope to obtain as a result. Verse 5 of Genesis 32 says: “«Thus you must say to my lord Esau: “Thus says your servant Jacob:” “Vayetsav otam lemor koh tomrun ladoni le-Esav koh amar avdecha Ya’akov” וַיְצַ֤ו אֹתָם֙ לֵאמֹ֔ר כֹּ֣ה תֹֽאמְר֔וּן לַֽאדֹנִ֖י לְעֵשָׂ֑ו כֹּ֤ה אָמַר֙ עַבְדְּךָ֣ יַֽעֲקֹ֔ב. Yaakov was clear that he desired to live in peace, but to achieve this he had to convince Esav that he was sincere, that there was no deceit in his mouth, and that the Yaakov of 15 years of age and of 63 had been left behind and that now at 97, he was a transformed man. Was that difficult? We have a saying here “If a tree is born crooked, the press cannot straighten it,” but we know, for the Eternal even at 97 years of age, we can be transformed and renewed. We read at the end of verse 6: “My lord, I am going to visit you in friendship, to gain favor in your eyes.” Do you think Yaakov had ever spoken as clearly as this to Esau? I think not; his communication might have been informative but like in many families, we give information but do not speak of our intentions, desires, motivations and dreams. For example, we know the schedule of our children or partners, what they do, and what time we have to pick them up, but is this information or communication? Do we know their dreams? Do we know who their friends are and what affinity they have with them? Poor communication leads to misunderstandings and family separation.

When we think we are doing everything right, more tests appear to bring out what is in our hearts.  When it says: “Esau is coming with 400 armed men”, the cycle of “fight or flight response” is activated again, as we read that Yaakov “became very frightened and distressed.” Of course, he was afraid of being killed or of having to use force to kill another living being. We begin to see that the answer always lies within Yaakov. Instead of acting impulsively, he stopped to think and analyze his options. When confronting a problem, do not run, instead calm down, even if there is an earthquake or a fire, it is advisable to stop and think of options for evacuation. Now Yaakov’s brain took control of the situation and analyzed it; first, he divided the camp in two (v. 8), second, he begged God for help (v. 10 “Yaakov said to God”), third, he was aware of who he is (v. 11, “I am not worthy of you and of your goodness”); fourth, he recognized what was happening to him, and acted according to who he now was (v. 12 “for I am afraid that he will come and attack me and my family, my mothers and my sons.”).

Notice that he sincerely put first what worried him the most, although the order seemed to be inverted. I believe that a good father would say I am afraid that he will attack my children, the mothers (i.e. wives), my family and me; Fifth, arriving empty-handed after 20 years would be inappropriate, so he sent the first gift divided into 4 separate droves (V. 14-15); then he sent the second gift (v. 17) divided into 5 droves; When you want to reconcile with another person, do you want them to accept you for your pretty face? Try harder! Go and find something that would please them so that you may find favor in the eyes of the person you offended.

Finally, Yaakov had to deal with himself. Many people prefer to be constantly busy, filled with activities, so they don’t feel alone. Yeshua said: “Go into your closet, close the door and pray to your Father in secret.” That is, I must maintain an inner dialogue; it is healthy. Yaakov’s previous solutions were external (gifts, dividing camp, praying), but the most difficult part comes in verse 24, “Yaakov was left alone.” Once he was left alone, a man appeared; some say it was Esau, others the angel of Esau, but Yaakov had to struggle with him all night. Remember, at 97 years old he managed it all on his own. This man finally dislocated Yaakov’s hip leaving him with a limp, however, at dawn with his last ounce of strength, Yaakov demanded that he not let him go until he blessed him. This was the turning point, because Yaakov said to Esau (his fear personified), “Recognize the blessing that my father gave me and that my brother denied”, implicit are the words, “Bless me.”

But what is the blessing that he received? One would think that the blessing would not be to ask: “What is your name?” But honestly, I believe this was the blessing. Because when Yaakov asked, “Who are you?” “What is your name?”, the past instantly rushed back, and then Yaakov recognized that he was the one who had twisted things to get what he wanted and that he had been the embodiment of trickery and deceit. Only then, by recognizing who he was, was he allowed to be granted a name change. How many of us need a name change today? Yaakov’s name was now Israel, “Nobility (prince of God), the one who strives with God and prevails, who sees God or who goes straight to God.” Yaakov finally fought with his spiritual side and with men (Esau and Lavan), and he won.

In the end, the man, who did not appreciate his brother, who was now injured and walking with a limp, bowed low before his brother seven times. This softened his brother’s heart who then saw a different Yaakov…he saw Israel.

Today, what is stopping us from moving forward? Are we stuck in our life? Do we have unhealthy relationships that need to be resolved? Remember that after this episode, Yaakov distanced himself from Esau and reestablished his relationship in Shalom, but he knew that a close relationship with him was not appropriate. Likewise, reestablishing peace with another person does not necessarily require “living with this person again,” especially if the personalities are incompatible; we must also be wise.

My prayer for us this Shabbat is that we move forward, that we are not blocked, and that God’s promises are fulfilled in each one of us.

Shabbat Shalom.

Mauricio Quintero